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| 11:26am 19/07/2004 |
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mood:  irritated
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There was a tornado in town yesterday. I didn't even notice it, I just read it in the news today. Go figure. :) |
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| 11:33am 09/07/2004 |
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mood:  sad music: The Fat Man - Wing Commander Theme Live Performance
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Within the last few days, Chlodwig Poth and Bernd Pfarr, two of Germany's best satirical writers and cartoonists have died. Both had a terrific sense of humor and were active authors for a major satirical magazine until shortly before their deaths.
Together with Marlon, this is starting to get depressing.
Oh, and the Austrian president died unexpectedly a few days ago, too. |
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| 02:24am 28/06/2004 |
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Whew.
I just had a long, honest conversation with a friend that was basically about why I am the strange, withdrawn guy I am. I've never had such an intense talk in real life. :)
Anyway - I think I needed that. Knowing that there's someone who understands you a bit and is ready to support you is something that should really help in getting my act together. |
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| Glance Reviver |
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| 05:41pm 20/06/2004 |
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mood:  determined
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Boo.
I know I haven't written in my journal for a very long time - and even then, I never did write very much anyway. ;) But since I'm currently in the progress of, uh, personal reevaluation, or something, I guess starting to tell my random thoughts to random people might be helpful.
If should manage to pull myself together enough, that is. Well, one can always hope...
*Ahem* |
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| 02:27pm 06/06/2003 |
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mood:  sick
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The fact that we're all so compatible to Mick is mildly unsettling, isn't it? |
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| Ugh. |
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| 12:38pm 25/04/2003 |
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mood:  frustrated music: none, surprisingly
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It's so typical. I have my school finals next week, need to learn maths *very badly*, and I've done barely anything so far. In the mornings, I always tell myself "I'll start in a few hours", and later on it's "Oh well, I still have plenty of days left, and it's not that much anyway." And if I do manage to get started, it gets tedious so quickly that I never do much.
It's not like I'm afraid to screw up my exams - I don't really care about my grade as long as I pass, which isn't that difficult - but this is annoying because it describes me so perfectly. Really, this is the way I act in a nutshell. I'd almost bet that a few of you have similar problems, and I'd love to hear if you've managed to get over them somehow. I like to think that things will get better once I get out of school and into University, where I can learn things I actually enjoy, but then again, I've been telling me "it'll get better" so often in my life that it's getting frustrating. *Sigh* |
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| Now THIS is a quiz for me! |
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| 06:31pm 15/04/2003 |
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mood:  amused music: Still random S.S.H. music
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# |.
###u#+.
|) If I were a NetHack monster, I would be a unicorn. Most people are only after one thing - I try to maintain a quiet and respectful distance until I feel sure that I can trust someone. |
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| Woes |
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| 01:48pm 15/04/2003 |
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mood:  depressed music: S.S.H. - The Decisive Battle (FF6)
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If you've read that disorder test thingie below - or if you've just known me for a while - you'll know that I'm not much of a social person.
But while I think that I myself, at least, am beginning to understand myself a bit better recently, I can't say the same thing about other people.
It's a typical situation for me: A buddy calls me friday or saturday and invites me to go out with him... to a disco, a bar, whatever. If I accept, we go, spend a lot of money on different things, and in the end, nothing interesting happens. And even though this may sound geeky: I often find myself yearning to just go home and play some sort of video game instead of sitting or standing around in smoke-filled rooms.
I wouldn't have a problem not doing stuff like that at all, but hey, people are unable to accept that, and that pisses me off sometimes. I can enjoy spending a whole weekend by myself, playing, reading, or just goofing off. And when I meet with friends, I'd much rather just watch a movie with them, go get a nice dinner or whatever. But even when we do that, someone will inevitably say, sooner or later: "Okay, let's go to town and get something to drink." Well, as soon as that happens, things pretty much go the way I described above.
People occassionally ask why I don't go out in the weekends, and I get the feeling that those people only live for that. That's fine with me, but it seems to be incredible for them NOT to enjoy it as much as they do.
My problem with this weekly party- and disco-hopping is that it's just too much of a social ritual. Everyone is wearing masks. You either dress and act like everyone else (and I hate conformism), or you try to be more eccentric than you really are just to stick out. Noone ever acts the way they are. Of course, I'd say that everyone is wearing masks all the time, but this... pretending just seems to get worse in situations like that. I just feel uncomfortable that way. Some time ago I "broke down" and bought some more fashionable clothes with a friend. He told me that wearing clothes like that and acting the way you're "supposed" to act is just to make a firt impression. But what point is there in a first impression if it isn't even close to your true self?
Obviously, problems arise from my refusal to play this social game. I wouldn't mind not having many real friends (in fact, there are about two or three people I'd call that), the problem is that none of these are the type you can expect to understand and help you in personal matters. The person I'd call my best pal right now is a bit of a strange guy. In some ways, he's very similar to me. Unable to concentrate on anything, eccentric in many ways, full of weird ideas. But he's also incredibly charismatic, and this may be what keeps him from relating to me in matters like this, since I am the exact opposite.
In the end, the only people I can talk to about personal matters are people I know from the internet. This is one of the wonderful things about it - I've talked about masks early on, and I personally think that on the net, people are far more willing to take them off than in "real life", if you want to call it that. But, well, it just isn't enough all the time. One of these people I've been talking to recently has put it quite nicely in one conversation: "I think what's often more important than sex is a hug." You just need to be close to someone occasionally, no matter in what way.
Well, if anyone has actually read through all this: Thanks. Feel free to comment or tell me how wrong I am. :) |
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| 12:17pm 15/04/2003 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: S.S.H. - Various game remixes
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| Andvaranaut |
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| 05:41pm 18/03/2003 |
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mood: contemplative music: Phantasy Star 4 Arranged - Algol Star System
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Well, today I have again been doing what I usually do: Thinking about the things I could accomplish if I was only determined enough and a lot less lazy.
I've always wanted to improve my drawing and painting skills, but it's extremely hard to find a good way to start. My brother has received an interesting book on the subject today, maybe it will help. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm also open for them. :)
I'm also thinking about reading up a bit about Zen and meditation. Can't really hurt, can it? |
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| The time of reckoning is at hand! |
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| 09:38pm 17/03/2003 |
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Well, seems like hell has finally frozen over: I got my very own LiveJournal. :)
Well, I'm not sure if I'll ever write much, but I guess it's good to have SOME sort of web presence, since I'm probably too lazy to create a real webpage anytime soon. Oh well. Feel free to drop me a line, comment, or stand in the corner. |
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paramekia's journal